The Pursuit of Happiness
by Jonesybites
Summary: “New Jacinto,” the newly established city as it is called, since that douchebag, Chairman Prescott was too lazy and unoriginal to call it something else, our band of heroes formerly known as Delta squad find peace and quiet - strictly for comedy
1. Act 1

**Greetings...I took brief break from Snowblind and this is what I have to show for it. This is strictly for _shits and giggles_ so take it for what it is, a goofy GoW parody as our band of heroes attempt to live a normal, suburban life!**

**The Pursuit of Happiness**

If there is anything left to sure of in our measly existence, it is that all things must come to an end…wait…what the hell was I writing about? Oh yea, _ahem_…

…breaking out into comedy!

**Act I**

"New Jacinto," the newly established city as it is called, since that _douchebag_, Chairman Prescott was too lazy and _unoriginal_ to call it something else, our band of heroes formerly known as Delta squad find peace and quiet…_ok maybe not quiet_, but definitely peace as the four morons, _I mean_ Gears find a means to reintegrate back into a "normal," existence for a better society…_yea right._

_Outside a large house on the corner lot of a newly constructed neighborhood. A crash rings out from the house, followed by yelling,_

Anya - MARCUS!

_Marcus comes inside the house, groaning as he sees his sweet newly wed wife of a few months standing near the stairwell of their beautiful home, arms crossed and scowling._

Anya – I've _had it_ Marcus…they're going to _have_ to go!

Marcus – _Groan_, What happened now?

Anya – Cole and Dom broke the window, _again_, playing "Sports Resort" on the Wii Marcus…THE Wii!!

Marcus – Look Anya, they don't have any other place to go…

Anya – _Bullshit_ Marcus…they are just as capable of finding their own place, just like Clay Carmine and his girlfriend, _whatshername…_

_********_

_Flashback to Carmine's apartment, he manages to remember to get her a birthday present and hands it too her wrapped in a plastic GameStop bag…_

Carmine C – hey honey, I got you…uh…a new game for your birthday.

Whatshername – _Grrrrrr._

_********_

_Back to the Fenix castle…_

Marcus – Well…they have been helpful around the house_…(scratching the back of his neck while trying to find some lame excuse to keep them around) _I mean….Dom cuts the grass, Cole does the laundry…and…Dom cuts the grass…

Anya – You said that already!

Marcus – Oh, and they watch Marcus Jr while we get to go out…ya know…for some,

you and me time…

Anya – You have got to be f***ing kidding me…Baird is NOT the kind of babysitter I had in mind for _our_ son…

********

_Flashback: In the living room where Baird is sitting on the couch in his underwear, watching Skinemax, drinking a beer, while two-year old Marcus Jr. is duct taped to his activity saucer to keep him from crawling out._

Baird – Ok kid…can you say, T-I-T-T-I-E-S?

Marcus Jr. – _(raising his hands in the air)_ Ditties!

Baird – Close enough.

_The very next day while Anya gets Marcus Jr. ready for daycare…_

Anya – Now, can you say _mommy?_

Marcus Jr. – _(raising his hands in the air)_ Titties!

_Anya's jaw drops in shock…_

_********_

Anya - …and furthermore, I'm tired of Dom hogging the bathroom.

Marcus – How can he _hog_ the bathroom?

Anya – He spends fifteen minutes waxing his hairy ass, and then another twenty minutes crying in the shower!

********

_Flashback, Dom sobbing in the shower._

Dom – _Boohoohoo_….MAAARRRIIAA…_sob._

_********_

Anya - …and then uses up all of the aftershave and _then_ I hear later from Cole and Baird, _whining_ that Dom uses up all the aftershave! I swear, Marcus, he's bathing in it, you can smell him from outside when he's

trimming the hedges!

Marcus – Well if you want, we'll get him his own bathroom!

Anya – What? No! I'm not going to bend over backwards to accommodate these guys in MY house! It's like when we built the detached garage, just so Baird can live in it!

Marcus – We did that so he could have some space to work on the car,

Anya – No, we did that just so we could get him out of the bedroom next to ours, _remember?_

_********_

_Flashback sequence in Baird's room, next to the master bedroom. He's lying in bed, completely awake, groaning from the noise and "thumping" coming through the walls._

"…_oh yea, baby, a little more, just like that…"_

Baird – _(Yelling, while banging his fist against the wall),_ Alright, it's three o' clock in the _f***ing_ morning, _knock it off_ already! I swear, I'm getting y'all a TV...

********

Anya – And I'm tired of Cole putting holes in the walls and ceiling from jumping up and down on his bed…

********

_Cole jumps up and down on his bed…_

Cole – WOO…yea _(jumps up and does s flip in the air and lands back on the bed)_ the Train's still got it!

_Meanwhile downstairs, Dom is reading one of Baird's Penthouse magazine's when a piece of drywall drops on his head after a large thud…_

DOM – _Shit_ Cole…(yells out) will you quit that?!

********

Anya - …and to top all of this off, we're getting complaints from the neighbors about the _skinny-dipping_ in the pool!

Marcus – Well, it is in the back yard, what are the neighbors doing looking over our fence?

Anya – I'm talking about our son's blow-up pool in the front yard Marcus!

Marcus – Oh.

* * *

**Now, depending on the response, I'll write more later, in the meantime, I hope you got a few laughs!**


	2. Act 2

**Well, because y'all demanded it, here's the next installment...so sit back and enjoy some holiday-hilarity goodness.**

**Act II**

_At the Fenix house, all four Gears are sitting in the living room for a brief meeting, concerning the "Holiday" entourage this year…_

Marcus – Ok, guys, here's the drill…

Baird – _(intentionally interrupts)_ …yea, here's the drill…we're out of frozen pizza, we're out of eggnog, and we're out of toilet paper _(Marcus gives Baird a scowl)…_did I mention we're out of eggnog?

Marcus – _Shut up_, Baird…and before you even begin, asswipe, the first and foremost order of business in this meeting is that _you're fired_ from putting up the house decorations.

Baird – Fired? For what?

Marcus – You know what!

********

_Flashback: Marcus pulls up to the front of his house as a crowd of neighbors block his driveway. He squeezes his big head through driver side window of the Toyota Yaris, peering out to see what the commotion is._

Marcus – What the hell is this all about_…(looks out in the yard and his jaw drops in shock) _…BAIRD…YOU BAT-SHIT, CRAZY, SON OF A BITCH!

_Sprawled all across the yard are "anatomically correct" snowmen (and women) in humping positions. Santa is "carving" Rudolph with a Lancer in-hand, splattered in ketchup, while the elves are tipped over from the picnic table, holding beer cans._

_********_

Baird – Hey, I thought we got "Yard of The Month" for that.

Marcus – No, we got a _scathing letter_ from the neighborhood administration.

_Cole and Dom snicker._

Marcus - …and speaking of the next order of business, _you t_wo are banned from the neighborhood snowball fights!

Cole – Say _what?_

Dom – Oh _come on_…they're just pissed because we beat their asses at it every year!

Marcus – No, they banned you because you guys we're using the damn Mortar to fire your snowballs!

Dom – It was Dizzy's idea!

********

_Flashback: Dom is holding the Mortar while Cole was loading the next set of snowballs while Dizzy was looking out with binoculars, drinking whisky from his canteen._

Dizzy – Hehe…I see the little bastards… _(looking out at the neighbors kids down the street, using binoculars and hiding behind a parked car)_

Cole – WHOO…locked and loaded!

Dizzy – Ready…aim…FIRE!

"_Poof"…an array of snowballs fall from the sky as Dizzy laughs, watching all the kiddies run amuck, screaming._

_********_

Marcus – Third and _foremost_…we are not having another reenactment of last year's Christmas party, so guess what!"

_All three start to sulk._

Marcus - …no beer, no whine, in fact, no alcohol, _period._

Dom – Oh, c'mon Marcus, it wasn't _that_ bad."

Marcus – Do you even remember what went on that night?

Dom – Ye…uh, _(scratches head while his memory draws a blank)…_um…no, not really.

Marcus – Exactly…that's how _bad_ it was.

Cole – _Man_, that was _last year_…what do _you_ remember about it, _Mr. Grinch?_

_********_

_Flashback…again: Marcus steps into the house from the quickie-mart and walks into the living room where all the commotion was coming from. Marcus drops his grocery bags on the floor in shock as he sees Cole, "pole dancing" on the dining table, wearing nothing but a Santa hat and his red, boxer shorts that say "jingle these" near the fly. All the ladies where whooping and hollering, throwing dollar bills on the table._

_Suddenly, Dom streaks through the rowdy crowd, bare ass and laughing while being chased by a pissed-off Baird, whom is followed by a drunk Tai, running in his loincloth, giving Dizzy a piggie-back ride._

Dizzy – _YEEHAW_…giddieup!

********

Marcus – You three are two seconds from getting the boot by the Mrs., so while I'm trying to convince her to keep you _shitheads_ around, we're going to do things a little…no, I take that back, ALOT different this year…starting with house decorations.

Baird – Man, this blows!

Marcus – Don't make me have to get out of this chair, _(gives Baird a scowl and then turns to Cole)_…Cole your in charge of house decorations.

Cole – What? Who's going to be in charge of the Christmas Party?

Marcus – Anya's taking care of that.

_The three Gears moan in unison._

Marcus – _What?_ It's not going to be _that_ bad!

Baird – It's going to be a _girlie _housewarming party_ (making feminine gestures with his hips)_ with cheesy fruitcakes, bon bons, playing that stupid "Jingle Cats" CD, and chocolate covered pretzels…which go great with beer, BY THE WAY!

Dom – I have to agree with Baird. She's only going to invite _her_ friends, and most of them hate us!

Marcus – She's inviting Bernie…she doesn't hate y'all…

Baird – Aw, f***….

Marcus - …ok, not most of y'all…and speaking of which, you ARE wearing that sweater she gave you last year, Baird!

Baird – Like hell I am…

Marcus – She went through a lot of trouble to make it, so guess what…your wearin it!

Baird – I'm not wearing that _pink_, dippy sweater!

Cole – Oh, c'mon Baird…be nice to the old lady…besides, it makes your eyes dance, _heehee…_

_Dom snickers with Cole,_

Baird – Oh, _shut up!_

_Marcus continues_.

Marcus – and moving on to the next agenda, Dom, I'm putting you I charge of running Jr.'s birthday party tomorrow…

Dom – Wait…didn't Baird and Cole do that last year…

Marcus – Yea, and I fired them for that too_, by the way_, _(gives Cole and Baird a dirty look)._

********

_Flashback: Cole and Baird instigate a water balloon fight with the kids, throwing water-filled condoms across the front yard._

_********_

Baird – They ran outta balloons at the quickie mart, so I had to use the next best thing, _ok?_

_Marcus groans as he gets up and grabs his coat._

Marcus – I gotta go to the grocery store to get stuff for the party so I better see some house decorations in the yard, Cole…

_Cole slumps in the couch._

Marcus – …Dom, be sure you call in the cake order, TODAY, so it can be ready by tomorrow_…(Marcus turns his glare over to Baird)_ …and as for you, _Baird_…you're grounded in the garage so you can rummage through your crap to find that sweater, because if you don't…"

_Marcus pulls out a stick with a few feathers at the end from the closet and holds it in hand for Baird to see._

Baird – Oh, God, no…not _that_…not the _French tickler…_ wait…does _wify-poo_ know about this?

Marcus – I'll be back in an hour, and expect all this shit to be done by the time I get back, understood?"

_All three in unison as they mumble_ – Yes.

********

_After two hours, marcus finally returns from the store as he pulls up in front of his house, noticing the neighbors where blocking his driveway, again. He sticks his head out of his little Toyota Yaris as he peers out onto the front yard._

Marcus – Oh for crying out loud, _now what_…wait a…

_In the front of the yard stood a large black sign that said "Bah…Humbug," written in white paint, next to a stick figure resembling Marcus, and lit up with a large spotlight from the ground._

Marcus – DAMNIT COLE!

_to be continued..._

* * *

Well, I hope you got some laughs...I'll be posting the second part sometime before Christmas.


	3. Act 3

**Have a Merry Christmas...hopefully this will bring some laughs.**

**Act III**

_It's the holiday season at the Fenix castle. The suburbia is blanketed with snow, the kids are playing outside, while our band of heroes are pulling out the X-mas decorations._

_Marcus is in the garage, sitting on Baird's couch, growling, trying to untangle one hundred and fifty feet of Christmas lights. Anya walks into the room with her hands on her hips…again._

Anya – Marcus, we need to talk.

_Marcus starts to sulk._

Marcus – _Sigh_…what did Cole and Dom do now?

Anya – It's not them this time, it's Baird! Why does he have a bunch of boxes stacked all over OUR garage?

_Marcus looks around and notices a bunch of UPS boxes stacked up to the ceiling along the walls, barely leaving any room for the Prius._

Anya - …What the hell has he been buying…or should I even ask?

Marcus – I thinks he's only buying a bunch of this crap just so he can see the UPS delivery lady…

********

_Flashback: The bell rings and Marcus opens the door to see the UPS lady delivering another package._

UPS Lady – (With a sour expression) Sigh, is Mr., um, Baird, available to sign for this?

Marcus – (Turning over his shoulder) BAIRD…COME GET YOUR MAIL!

_Within not even a split second, Baird rushes to the door in his boxers and tee-shirt, shoving Marcus away and then leans on the door frame._

BAIRD – _(In a suave voice)_ Hellooo…_so_, what can _brown_ do for me, today?

UPS Lady – _(Gives a scowl)_ Just sign here, please… _(Holding out her consol)_

********

Marcus - I think he's got the hots for her, ever since her truck broke down the street and he volunteered his "services" to fix it.

Anya – Well that's very romantic but _gee_, Marcus, why can't I get him to _extend_ his services to fix the damn ice machine in the refrigerator…for the THIRD time?

Marcus – Look, I know he can be a _dick_, but he's fixed more s*** around this house than the extended warranty could ever cover within the past year…wait…we're still under warranty, right?

_Anya gives Marcus a dirty look. Marcus sighs,_

Marcus – I take it you where going to complain about something…

Anya – He used up all my tampons, Marcus!

Marcus – _(Looks up, perplexed)_ For what?

Anya – To plug the oil leaks in the Dill! Why do we still have that gas-guzzling piece of crap in our driveway Marcus?

Marcus – The guys use it.

Anya – Oh, for crying out loud, why doesn't Baird trade that thing in for a more economical vehicle, like we did with the Prius…I swear, he spends more time fixing that worthless piece of s*** than anything else around here…and he uses MY hygiene stuff to do it...and don't even get me started with the Vaseline…

Marcus – It gives him something to do, other than tinkering with the electronics around the house.

Anya – I need that ice machine to start working before the party Marcus!

Marcus – Alright, I'll go talk to him, s***.

_Marcus growls, trying to untangle himself out of the pile of stringed lights._

**Scene 2, Act III**

_Meanwhile, inside the house, Dom is decorating the sugar cookies, Cole is setting up the tree, while Baird is lying on the couch, reading one of his nudy magazine's._

Cole – Ah, man…I can't find the other branch to put in the middle tier…

Baird – How many times did I tell you guys to get a _pre-lit _tree, so we wouldn't have this problem…

Cole – You gonna help or not?

Baird – I can't…I was _banished_ from decorating, remember?

_Cole growls while Dom walks in with the cookies on the cooking tray._

Dom – Ok, so whatta ya think?

_Cole and Baird stare at the cookies. They where in the shapes of ginger bread men with Lancers, cutting into each other, smothered in red icing. Baird starts to laugh._

Baird – They're perfect…Anya's really going to love those! _(starts to laugh, again)_

Dom – Ok, now you're just patronizing me, _(starts to sulk)_ oh, who am I fooling, this party's going to suck, no matter what we do!

Cole – Ah, don't knock it, Dom…we'll figure something out.

_Suddenly, Marcus walks into the room._

Marcus – _(glares at Baird)_ Alright, _numbnuts_…we need to get that ice machine working so we can use it for the party.

Baird – That ice machine is not going to put out enough ice to accommodate the party, Marcus.

Marcus – Well, at least fix the damn thing so Anya can get off my back about it...let her figure it out when we run outta ice.

Baird – Alright, alright…I'll fix it.

Marcus – …and you did find that sweater that Bernie gave you, _right?_

_Baird drops his magazine and lets out a groan as he gets up off of the coach and makes his way back to the garage._

Marcus – Uh huh…that's what I thought.

Dom – Hey Marcus…you think Anya would have a problem with these? _(showing Marcus the cookies)_

Marcus – _(groans)_ _Sigh,_ I guess I better go to the store to get some more.

_Dom sulks._

**Scene 3, Act III**

_It's another snowy day as the Gears get ready for the annual Christmas Party. The yard lavishes in strings of Christmas lights after Marcus spent two hours trying to untangle them and re-decorated the yard décor._

_In the house, everyone was getting ready for the party as Anya sets out the newly baked sugar cookies and punch bowl, while Cole was jumping on the bed, trying to squeeze into his slacks._

Cole – Awwww…C'mon baby…let's get this on _(still struggling to button the fly)_

_Dom is in the shower, crying._

Dom – Boohoohoo…Mariaaa _(sob)_

_Marcus comes down the stairs, in slacks and dress shirt while trying to fix his tie._

Marcus – _(growling)_ I hate ties…why couldn't we just get clip ons?

Anya – Because, dear…it's more authentic when you can fix your own tie.

_Anya walks over to fix his tie for him. Suddenly, a commotion comes crashing down the stairs as Cole and Dom race down, fighting over the couch._

Anya – Are we forgetting someone?

Marcus – _(turns over his shoulder towards the bathroom)_ _Sigh_, C'mon Baird…get it over with!

Baird – _(from the bathroom with the door still closed)_ I'm not coming out!

Cole – Aw, c'mon Baird…it's not that bad.

Baird – Hey f*** you Cole…I like to see you wear this stupid sweater!

Marcus – Get out…now!

_A groaning followed by growling is being heard as Baird drags himself out of the bathroom into the living room, wearing his slacks and the "dippy," pink sweater, pulled over his dress shirt._

Anya – _Awwww_…that's looks just so darling on you, Damon…Cole's right, it does bring out your eyes.

_Cole and Dom start to snicker, while Baird flashes the middle finger in their general direction._

_Suddenly the doorbell rings._

Marcus – Alright it's show time guys!

Baird – _(In a low audible tone)_ Yea, it'll be a show alright…

_Cole and Baird clamp fists._

**Scene 4, Act III**

_The house is filled with guests as everyone mingles in the living room. All the guests that are present is Colonel Hoffmann, Clay Carmine and his girlfriend, whatshername, Bernie Mataki, and another handful of people that I'm just going to leave up to y'alls imagination._

_The "Jingle Cats" cd is heard throughout the house with Marcus Jr. trying to sing along with the "lyrics." Baird and Cole cringe everytime Jr. attempts to sing along._

Baird – Hey, kid (standing next to the punch bowl, gesturing Jr. to come over) ya wanna drink some juice?

Marcus Jr. – Yea…juice, juice…I want juice Uncle Baird.

Baird – _Nah, ah_…you forgot the _magic word_…what's the magic word?

Marcus Jr. – Titties!

Baird – That's my boy…

Cole – _(In a quiet, subtle voice)_ Aw, c'mon Baird…don't be giving the kid that!

Baird – Think of it this way Cole…he'll definitely be sleeping well tonight…and it'll shut him up from singing along with that stupid cd.

_Marcus Jr. holds out his hands while Baird hands him a cup full of punch._

Baird – Here ya go kid.

Macrus Jr. – Yay…juice (and walks off with a cookie in one hand and his juice in another)

_Dom walks towards the punch table, sulking._

Dom – Damn, I'm so bored. How long do we have to play "host" for this crappy party?

Cole – Well, that depends on how much eggnog everyone's going through.

Dom – Are you kidding? Anya got the non-alcoholic crap…

Baird – Yea, and we got a bowl full of chocolate covered pretzels…with no beer to go with em, so what's your point?

Dom – Dude, this is so lame. How can you two stand it?

Baird – Don't worry… _(looks at his wrist watch)_ …it'll get better in _juuuust_ a few minutes.

Dom – How can it…wait _(raises an eyebrow)…_what did you guys do?

********

_Flashback: It's two in the morning and Cole and Baird are rummaging through the fridge, mixing the eggnog with some rum and then puts it all back into the containers._

********

Dom – You didn't…

Cole – S***, that eggnog ain't the only thing that's spiked…

Dom – Say _what?!_

_Sudddenly, the doorbell rings._

Baird – Speak of the devil…

Cole – I'LL GET IT…(runs over to the door)

_Cole opens the door to find Dizzy dressed in a Santa suit, with bags in hand._

Dizzy – Hohoho…Merry b****in Christmas _(struts in through the door)_ …so who's been good this year…or even better, who's been _naughty?_

_Anya's jaw drops while Dizzy walks into the living room._

Anya – Damnit, Cole…I told you to hire a Santa Clause…

Cole – I did! You just didn't say who…

_Dizzy plops himself on the living room recliner and takes a drink from his canteen._

Dom – Hey, Jr., ya wanna see Santa?

Dizzy – Yea kid, why don'tcha come over here and tell Santa whatcha want for Christmas…

Marcus Jr. – But Santa smells like beer and Uncle Baird...

Anya – Oh, God…he reeks of booze…

Dizzy - _(to Anya) _Say there, sweet thang...why don't you come on over and sit on Santa's lap...I got your present right here!

Carmine – Oo, oo…I'll go first _(runs over and jumps on Dizzy's lap)_

Dizzy - _(cringing from Carmine falling on his groin) _S*** son, watch where you land. Daddy's poor mistletoe can only take so much.

_Anya turns over to Cole, Dom, and Baird…_

Anya – Where in the hell is Marcus?

_The three look at each other and shrug._

Dom – Is there a problem?

Anya – _(groans)_ I have to go to the quickie mart to get some ice because the machine ran out.

Baird – _(chuckles)_ Imagine that…

Anya - …so be sure to tell Marcus…can you three handle that?

Cole – Sure thing, baby.

_Anya grabs her coat and walks towards the door._

Anya – Try not to screw this up. _(and walks out, shutting the door behind her)_

_The three look at each other, exchanging a condescending grin._

********

_Twenty minutes later, Anya drives up the driveway as music blares from the house, but she quickly noticed it wasn't the Jingle Cats cd, but instead, Sir Mix-A-Lot's "Big Butts," could heard blaring from the house._

Anya – Damnit…I can't leave these guys alone for fifteen minutes.

_She walks into the house, finding nearly everyone is dancing along to the music while Cole is dancing on the dining room table…with Dizzy, doing a strip tease to Quad City DJ's "C'mon Ride The Train."_

Cole – _WHOO_…who wants to ride the _choo-choo _train?

_All of Anya's girlfriends get giddy_.

Anya – What, no! Absolutely not! _(runs over to the cd player and shuts it off)._

_Everyone in the room groans._

Anya – Now with that out of the way, we are going to play secret Santa.

Carmine – Oh boy… (_gets so excited, he nearly wets himself)._

Cole – Yea your present is _really_ special, hehe…

_Anya brings in the gifts._

Dizzy – Darlin, why don't I hand those pretty pakages out…I am Santa, afterall…

Marcus – Why don't you put your pants back on, first!

Dizzy – _(sulks)_ Oh _ok_…but no peekin!

_Marcus rolls his eyes_.

Anya – Ok, who wants to go first?

Carmine – Ooo, me, me! _(raising his hand)_

Marcus – For God's sake, Anya, give Carmine his present so he can shut the f*** up!

_Anya hands Carmine his present while Dizzy steps back into the scene._

Dizzy – Ok, so who wants to be next?

Dom – Baird wants his_…(starts to laugh while Baird slumps in his seat)_

Dizzy – Here ya go sonny…

Baird – _(sarcastically)_ Yay…

_Carmine opens his present that he got from Cole…_

Carmine – Oh sweet…I got a Cougars shirt…with Cole's autograph on it! Dude, this is sooo awesome!

_Baird busts out laughing_.

Baird – Are you kidding? Cole's got a case load of those in the garage…he couldn't give those things away…

Cole – Speakin of which, I got one for you too Baird. In fact, I got some for everybody!

_Throws everyone wrapped up t-shirts._

Baird – _(sneers derisively)_ Oh, you shouldn't have…

_Marcus slaps Baird in the back of the head._

Dizzy – and here ya go, darlin _(hands Anya her present from Baird)_

Anya – Oh gee, I wonder what it could be _(cringing as she opens it)._

_Baird manages to open his present from Marcus as he pulls out a crocheted scarf that conveniently matches with his sweater._

Baird – _(holding the scarf up drearily)_ You have got to be f***ing kidding me.

Bernie – Oh, look…now your complete, Blondie.

_Baird turns over slowly to give Bernie a foul look._

Cole – Well, c'mon Barbie…dress up for your Granny _(he snickers while Baird gives him the finger)_

Anya – _(Unwraps her present to reveal a candle box)_ Oh, wow _(sincerely)…_this is really thoughtful of you Baird…and it's in Lavender, my favorite!

Baird – Are you kidding…I just borrowed your candle box so I could wrap your present in it…

_Anya opens the box only to find a purple, battery operated, cylindrical, mechanism inside. She drops the box in her lap and gives Baird a scowl._

Baird – It's in your favorite color…

Marcus – _(trying to get past the awkward moment)_ Ok, let's please move on to something else…

Dizzy – Like what?

Baird – Yea, like how can we make this party any more _dull?_

_Marcus slaps Baird in the back of the head, again._

Anya – I know, let's watch some home videos we got from last year's Christmas.

Bernie – Oh how sweet, that's a good idea.

Carmine – Oh, cool…let's watch some TV.

Cole – I'm all for it, WHOO!

Baird – Whoopie…

_Marcus slaps Baird in the back of the head, twice this time._

Anya – _(puts in a DVD labeled Marcus Jr.'s first Christmas)_ Ok, here we go _(presses play)_

_Everyone let's out an AWWWW as the video shows little Marcus Jr. opening his presents._

Hoffmann – Well idn't that cute…I have to admit Fenix, you got quite a menagerie here…

Marcus – You have no idea_…(chugging down the rest of his cup of punch)._

_…Then the video suddenly goes black with an audio in the background…  
Cole – man, you sure you can get Jack to catch some video?  
Baird – Don't worry…he can get in without anyone noticing…I'll set him up on record for the night, and get him out in the morning…_

_The screen flutters into static until the video starts up again. The video shoes Anya and Marcus role-playing in the bedroom with Anya breast feeding Marcus in bed._

Dizzy – Whoe, now that's what I call "quality family entertainment," hehe…

_Anya's jaw drops as she accidentally drops the remote control while Marcus stands with his mouth open, dropping his empty cup. The room suddenly gets awkwardly quiet._

_After Anya gets done "breastfeeding," she pulls off the sheets to reveal Marcus wearing nothing but a diaper…  
(audio) Anya – oh, my, does somebody need to be changed?_

Baird – _(shuddering) _Oh, that's just wrong…on so many levels...

Cole – What…the…_f***?_

Hoffmann – Haha…you boys had no idea that Fenix has a DL fetish? This is priceless…

_Everyone in the room stares at the TV with their mouths open while Anya tries desperately to find the remote control so she can turn it off._

Dom – Oh c'mon, Maria and I used to do this all the time_…(the record skips…and everyone turns their attention to Dom)…_ya know, when we, used to…uh_…(realizing the heavy ogling after his statement)…_um…er…I think I'll just shut up now.

Dizzy – I gotta hand it to ya…this beats the footage me and the old lady got back at the house…and we used a car battery with a set of jumper cables…

Cole – Ok, time to change the subject

Hoffmann – Are you s***tin me? This is the most entertainment I've seen all evening.

_Baird tries to subtly and quietly, tiptoe out of the back of the room before Marcus reaches from behind and grabs Baird by his shirt collar while still staring at the TV._

Marcus- (to Baird) We're not done here, (towards the TV) …and will somebody turn that crap off, _please?_

_Anya manages to find the remote and turns off the DVD player._

Dom – Ok, _(stands up in front of the room)_ I think we could all use another round of non-alcoholic eggnog, whatta y'all say?

********

The following morning...

********

_Marcus is sprawled on top of the dining room table in nothing but his underwear and a Cougar's t-shirt, wearing Dizzy's Santa hat and Baird's scarf._

Marcus - _(slowly coming back into consciousness, opening his groggy eyes)_ _Groan_, what happened?

_He looks around the living room and finds a naked Carmine passed out on the couch, Dizzy asleep on the floor next to the empty punch bowl, snoring, and Anya lying on the kitchen counter top, while clothes are scattered in disarray all over the living room._

_Marcus sits up and starts to sulk._

Marcus - Aw, hell...now I'm never going to live this one down.

_All the while, Marcus Jr. walks in with his blanket in hand and the TV remote. He suddenly turns the DVD player on and a another video comes on showing Marcus and Anya having another round of procreation._

Marcus Jr. - Look, Daddy..._titties!_

* * *

_Well, hopefully y'all got some laughs. I will be finishing this series soon since I can only put only so many gags together in a reasonable sequence before they start to become too redundant, and cliche'._


	4. Act 4

_I know it's been awhile, but I've been busy with Snowblind, tryng to wrap that monster up...but here's another act for sh*ts and giggles._

**Act IV**

_It's a month after the New Year's and Christmas menagerie and the Gears quickly go back to routine… _

…_in other words, Cole and Baird are sitting in the living room couch, playing Guitar Hero while Dom joins them shortly after spending another twenty minutes, sobbing in the shower._

Dom – _(Eyes are still red and puffy from crying) _Ok…so now whatta we do…

Baird – About what?

Dom – You know Anya's been trying to get Marcus to kick us out…especially after that Christmas and New Year's party…and it's YOUR fault!

Baird – Hey, Cole was in on it too…and besides, you said so yourself, it was a crappy party…

Dom – Yea, but where in the hell are we going to bunk at now if we get the boot, Mr. "I'm so good I should charge admission?" Whatta you got to say about that?

_Baird rummages through his thoughts…_

* * *

_Dream sequence: Baird runs over to the UPS store with suitcase in hand as he enters the store and walks up to the counter and rings the bell on the desk._

_The store manager looks around the corner and notices Baird leaning over the counter, trying to fog the glass counter with his breath…_

Manager – Hey Milly _(yelling over to the UPS delivery lady that normally delivers Baird's mail) _that goofy blonde guy that wears the pink sweater is at the counter…

UPS Lady – _(drops the magazine that she was reading and shudders)_ Oh, God…why is _he_ here?

Manager – Oh, c'mon…why don't you go and see what he wants…

_Milly the UPS delivery girl, groans as she gets up and walks over to the counter while Baird was drawing a "dick" on the fogged glass counter with his index finger._

Milly – Ahem_…(stands with her arms crossed)_

_Baird quickly looks up and then quickly sits up, fixing his posture while trying to erase the picture on the glass countertop_.

Baird – Um_…(scratches the back of his head)_ I just got kicked out of the house, so…can I move in with you?

* * *

Dom – _(snickers)_ I seriously doubt the UPS Lady is going to let you move in with her, Baird…

Baird – _(Sighs)_ yea...but that doesn't mean I can't dream.

Cole – Yea, he's been dreaming about her "brown" ass for the past month, hehe

Baird – Damn right…I need a woman to do my laundry and fix my dinner so I can spend more time fixing your crap…

Dom – speaking of which COLE…what happened to my dress shirt? I haven't seen it since I wore it at the party…and that was over a month ago!

Baird – I'll say…I can't find my dress shirt either…or my slacks.

Cole – Why the hell you askin me?

Dom – Hello…Sera to Cole…you're in charge of the laundry?

Cole – Yea, I do the laundry…when it's in the hamper, and not strewn all over the front lawn.

Baird – Wait, what?

Cole – Yea, you heard me right…the only reason I knew it was yours, _Baird_, was because I found your pink sweater sitting on the garden gnome.

Dom – Wow…does…anybody remember anything that we did that night?

Baird – I remember some of it…

* * *

_With the party still going on, Baird stumbles up the stairs as he goes down the hallway, hearing commotion coming from his room._

Baird – What the…

_He opens the door only to find Colonel Hoffmann and Sergeant Mataki in his bed with their clothes scattered on the floor, smoking cigarettes._

Baird – What _the hell_…did y'all…

Hoffmann – Yep, we did! _(puffing on his cig)_

Baird – _Arg_, that's…just _gross_…now I'm gonna have to burn those sheets!

Bernie – I'll say, I didn't know you had taste Blondie…these satin sheets are nice…

Baird – Yea, they WERE nice…now get the hell out of my room, damnit!

Bernie – Ok, (and steps out of his bed naked)

Baird – Oh, GOD, MY EYES_…(shrieking like a little girl)_ roll those up and cover them, for humanity's sake!

Hoffmann – What's the matter son…after looking through your reading materials, I thought you liked seeing women naked.

* * *

_Baird lets out a full body shudder._

Cole – I don't know about y'all, but I thought I distinctively remembering something about Carmine trying to light a fart on fire…

Dom - …and I remember Dizzy giving Anya a horse back ride…but the details started getting a little fuzzy after that.

Cole – Oh, before I forget, we're supposed to stay and watch the kid tonight…

Baird – What the hell for?

Cole – It's_…(pauses for a moment, realizing he was walking into sensitive territory)_…um…ya know…

Baird – Uh, no…I don't.

Cole – Well…yea I guess you wouldn't…but it's…V..a..l..e..n..t..i..n..e..s…

Dom – Seriously Cole, I may have sever moments of sappy depression but I can still f***ing spell…

Baird – Ok, spell Colonel…

Dom – K..e..r..n..e..l…_asshole_.

Baird – Takes one to know one, don't it…

_Before Dom could dish out a come back, the three hear the front door open and then slammed shut. Heavy, stomping footsteps could be heard coming down the hall from the house entrance._

Marcus – DOM, BAIRD, COLE…GET YOUR ASSES OUT HERE ON THE LAWN, NOW!

Dom – _(groans)_ Sh*t…what the hell did you two do now?

* * *

_To be continued...._


	5. Act 5

_As promised, here is another, and final, Act of the **Pursuit of Happiness **series._

**

* * *

****Act V**

_A continuation from the last Act…_

_Our band of morons, I mean Gears, walk out into the yard and turn to look at their next door neighbors yard that is completely buried in five feet of glittering soap suds. Cole and Dom look in awe with their mouths open while Baird scratches the back of his head…_

Dom – Aw, man…we're so getting it now…

Cole – Damn, that's a lot of suds! How'd the hell they managed to pull that off?

Marcus - …that's because SOMEBODY _(giving Baird a dirty look)_ thought it would be funny to dump a whole container of dishwashing soap down into their water hose…

_Dom and Cole in unison _– Ohhhhh…

Baird – Now I can't imagine who would such a thing…that's not right…

_Marcus' face turns so red, he looks as it he's about to blow a fuse as he grabs Baird by the shirt collar. Dom grudgingly puts himself in between the two men…_

Dom – Whoe _whoe_, lets not do this out here…you know Anya's going to hear about it later… _(trying to keep Marcus from smacking Baird while Baird mirrors himself behind Dom) _

Baird – Yea, _honey_…let's not fight in front of the neighbors…

Marcus – God, I am so going to enjoy so breaking your f***ing mouth!

Dom – _(still in between the two)_ C'mon Marcus, let's handle this somewhere else…

Marcus – Fine…we'll go in the back yard and finish this!

_Marcus starts to drag Baird by his shirt collar to the backyard while Cole and Dom follow behind,_

Baird - HELP…SPOUSAL ABUSE…Dom, Cole, you heard it!

Marcus – Yea, you're getting yours, b****!

Cole – Hell, yea…It's smackdown time, baby!

Baird - _…(whining)_ but we got the pool back there…

Marcus – _What_…afraid of getting your hair wet?

Baird – _(dragging his feet)_ No, I'm afraid the nosy neighbors will think we're doing something else…in the pool…

Marcus – Shut up Baird, and quite flattering yourself…you're not _that_ pretty.

Baird – I'm a hell of a lot prettier than you…

Cole – _(snickers)_ yea, that guy down the street likes to watch you when you're washing the Dill, in your ripped jeans and tank top, heehee…

Baird – Screw you man! _(still struggling against Marcus who opens up the gate to the backyard and drags Baird with him over to the pool)_

Dom – C'mon Marcus let's be grown up about this…

Baird – Yea, let's try and act mature…

Marcus – _(turns to Baird)_ Didn't I just tell you to shut the f*** up? _(turns to Dom)_…and Dom, I'm handling this!

Dom – Oh, yea, just like how you handled it at your birthday party last year?

********

_Flashback: A cake, soiled Marcus is cussing and chasing Baird around the dining room table with a rolling pin, after Baird put a firecracker instead of a candle on his birthday cake. The guests are dodging the two men as Dom and Cole are moving around, taking pictures and videos with their Blackberries…_

Dom – _Dude_, I'm so posting this on Ebaumsworld…

Cole – Forget that, this s*** is going on Youtube!

********

Dom – _Seriously_ Marcus, I really don't want to go back to driving you and Baird to the Anger Management classes at the Lifeway center, _again_…I _swear_ those people were giving me dirty looks, every time I was sitting in the waiting room…

Baird – Well, maybe that's because they're expecting you to mow the lawn or something…

Dom – _(Gives Baird a deep-set eyed scowl)_ You know what? F*** it…knock him out Marcus!

Marcus – I'm gonna love this…

Baird – Whoe, whoe, wait…

_Suddenly, someone is yelling from inside the house…_

Anya – MARCUS!

Cole – _Uh oh_, it's tha boss…

Baird – Oh, look…de _furor_ has returned to the _Eagle's Nest…_

_Marcus let's out a growl while still contemplating on what to do with Baird, as Anya calls out from the house, again,_

Anya – MARCUS…WE NEED TO TALK…NOW!

Marcus – Aw s***! _(yells over his shoulder)_ ALRIGHT, I'M COMING!

Cole – Aw, man…and I was hoping to see an ass-whoopin!

_Marcus let's go of Baird,_

Marcus - …we'll get back to this later!

Baird – Heehee, Marcus' gotta answer to the queen before somebody loses a head…

_Before Baird could finish his thoughts, Marcus pushes him in the pool and then proceeds to walk into the house, chuckling._

********

_Later in the day…inside the house, Marcus is in the entryway while is wife is lecturing him, again._

Anya – Tonight, by morning…I don't care how, and I don't care where…but they are leaving!

Marcus – _Ugh_ fine…

Anya – No, I'm serious, Marcus. I'm going over to the daycare center to pick up our son…and when I get back, they better be either packing or gone! Period!

Marcus – _(scratching the back of his head)_ _Sigh_, alright.

Anya - …and while your at it, tell Damon that he can take that worthless piece of crap that's leaking antifreeze all over our driveway…I'm tired of the neighborhood dogs licking it up and then wobbling on the grass, puking it up on, what USED to be, our nice lawn!

Marcus – Yes dear…

Anya – _(gathering her bag before exiting the door)_ I'll be back in an hour! _(she leaves the house and slams the door)._

********  
_A wee bit later, on the living room, Cole and Dom are sitting on the couch while a damp Baird is shivering on a bar stool, wrapped in a towel, with Marcus standing over the three of them,_

Marcus – Here's the drill…you're moving out, tonight!

_The three begin to groan and sulk_.

Dom – (sarcastically) Wow, it's not like we didn't see this one coming…I'm in total shock.

Marcus – Don't give me that Dom…you're just as guilty as Cole and Baird…

Dom – Uh _whoe_, wait a minute…I didn't dump dishwashing soap in the neighbor's water hose, and I didn't put transmission fluid in your shampoo bottle either.

Marcus – You clog up the damn shower drain every time you shave your hairy ass, after I told you, repeatedly, to throw that s*** in the trashcan!

Dom – Yea, and who saves your ass and reminds you when it's Anya's birthday?

Baird – _Aw_, let him forget it once…he'll remember after that, I guarantee…

_Marcus and Dom in unison_, SHUT UP, BAIRD!

Dom - …and let me remind you, who watches junior when you and Anya are having your little…breast feeding, _uh_…fetish, thing…

Baird – Dude, I still say that's messed up.

_Marcus and Dom, consecutively, both smack Baird in the back of the head,_

Baird – _(wincing)_ …the f*** man?!

Cole – So who's gonna do your laundry, boss man, huh? …not to mention who cleans the pool, and who's gonna cook all those nice meals for you during supper time?

Marcus – You didn't cook s*** around this house! Those were carry-outs from Chili's and Outback Steakhouse!

_Cole turns over to Baird and gives him a dirty look._

Cole – You _little_ snitch!

Baird – Sorry man, I really needed the car.

_Cole smacks Baird in the back of the head._

Dom - …and to top it all off, we save you who knows how much in taxes every year because we're technically, considered dependants.

Marcus – Dom, you're thirty four years old…you're not a dependant, you're a _liability_. I've spent more money fixing everything you dip****s have destroyed in this past year alone!

Cole - …but…

Marcus - …and don't even get me started with cracks in the sheetrock, Gus!

Dom – Ok, fine…we'll settle this!

Marcus – Yea, we are…you got till eight to pack your bags…

Baird - …and where in the hell are we supposed to go?

Marcus – Motel six, Holiday Inn, under the bridge, I don't give a s***, you just better be ready to go in the next thirty minutes…

Dom – Or what?

Marcus - …or I'll send you packin to Hoffmann's!

Baird – _(groaning)_ Please…anyplace but there!

Dom – I'm willing to bet you're bluffing!

Marcus – Oh, is that so?

Cole – You know what, I'm backing Santiago on this one…you too, Damon!

Baird – I am? _(Cole lifts the back of his hand)_ …all right, all right, I'm in. _Sheesh_.

Marcus – So this is how it's gonna play?

_Dom pulls out a quarter_.

Dom – Yea, we're gonna play…best three out of five…

Marcus – …then I pick heads…

Dom – Heads it is!

Cole – So how's this gonna go?

Marcus – If it's all heads, you guys pack your s*** and get out!

Baird - …and if it's all tails?

Dom – Yea, what's gonna happen if you lose?

********  
_Anya comes driving up to the front of the house to see Marcus sitting on the curb with three suitcases thrown out on the lawn while she could hear commotion coming from inside the house. Anya rolls her window down, listening from the outside of the house, Cole is jumping up and down on his bed, Dom's sobbing in the shower, and Baird is blaring heavy metal, expletive lyrical music from the garage._

_She steps out of the car towards Marcus, whom was sulking on the curb,_

Anya – Who…how…what the _hell_ happened?

Marcus – I lost.

********  
_A little later that evening, Anya and Marcus are at Hoffmann's house, lying in bed next to the master bedroom, blankly, staring at the ceiling while the noise of thumbing against the wall could be heard along with the moaning and yelling coming from Hoffmann and Mataki next door._

_"Oh, Victor…a little more, just like that…"_

_Marcus growls while he turns over to bang his fist against the wall, shouting…_

Marcus – For crying out loud, it's three o'clock in the f***ing morning…some of us have to go to work!

_Shortly after Marcus yells through the wall, Marcus Jr. comes into the bedroom in his jammies and blankie,_

Marcus Jr. – Listen Daddy, Granny's playing _horsy..._

----The End----

* * *

_Well, I hope you enjoyed the series, got some laughs. I originally wrote this to help break up writers block that I would have when I was writing Snowblind...I figured if I wrote something that was ridiculous and stupid, (hence in a world where there are no rules) it would give my creativity some elasticity. I originally didn't plan to post this, but with lack of humor (regardless how cheesy it is) in this genre was staggering, especially in a universe that is, for the most part, very dreary. Needless to say, I delved into alot of human elements that most people could somewhat relate to (living in a suburban area) even though it wasn't really realistic for this universe, but because it's a goofy parody, it didn't really matter._

_But, like all things, it has to eventually come to an end; however, with me writing a sequal to the Snowblind novel, I will probably come up with some more silliness during the process when I stumble upon writer's block again...until then, thanks for reading. _


End file.
